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My colleague, Gerry, gave me a surprise present earlier this week. He knew that I loved cycling and that I’ve been touched by the Cancer community, so it was most appropriate that his gift was a book written by Lance Armstrong, ‘It’s Not About The Bike, My Journey Back to Life’.
This afternoon’s nap brought papa back into my dreams. I don’t usually dream of him, so it was a surprise. Papa appeared smiling and wordlessly happy. His cheeks pink with life. I greet him like a long lost friend in the hallway. I ask him why he’s been away for so long. Cut to: He’s driving us around in the car. I’m in the backseat trying on new seat covers and complaining that they are too warm and fluffy. He just smiles happily and drives on.
The last time that I dreamt of Papa was back in August. He appeared to me across the table. Again smiling with pink cheeks. He holds a porcelain pot filled with some sort of liquid. Brilliant gold light begins to emit from the porcelain pot. He begins to swirl the pot in one hand. A whirlpool of golden waves dance across the room. He throws his head back and laughs heartily.
yogamum is also going through the waiting game of watching her father being consumed by Cancer. I know exactly how that felt, and I know how heart-breaking it can be. Please pop by her site, and feel free to leave her some words of encouragement.
Here is one of my favorite photos of Papa. I’ve got it set as my desktop wallpaper right now. I miss him so much and so dearly. I think I’ve got his smile.
“bleep… bleep… my memories steadily deleting…” – 77 (unsigned underground aussie band)
at some point your heart just feels like giving out when you see your loved one is pain. its unbearable to know that you can’t do anything about it – except press that red emergency call button as furiously as you can.
mom and kelvin have swapped shifts. i think its about time as well – Kelvin has been doing 14hr night shifts for two weeks in a row, and hell.. it has brought out the demons in him he never knew he possessed.
kudos for friends for like Natalie – who held my father’s left hand and brought me bread. For Jon and Eng – who brought me healthy snacks like bananas and peas. For Jack and Doreen – who kept up with the frantic pace of emptying urine bags, nurse wrangling, body massages and grocery runs. For Leslie and Alina – who came armed with american ginseng tea and for making me laugh. for our neighbors like shihui and her mom – who came with their prayers and fruit baskets. and for the extended Ng and Lim families – just for showing up to show us your support.
papa has been hospitalized at Mt. Elizabeth hospital for the past 12 days. papa was rushed into the A&E last friday morning when mom and i found him delirious and lying on the bathroom floor, violently trying to pull his catheter out. we panicked like hell – called dr. tucker and the emergency ambulance.
since then, we have gone through a slew of doctors and nurses, countless packets of IV drips, several baskets of fruits and flowers, terrible diarrheas, 2 middle of the night escapades in the hallways of the hospital, 12 bowls of soup from The Soup Spoon, endless amounts of snacks from just about every franchise food-chain, (which explains the terrible diarrheas), acute bouts of lucidity/delirium, constant strain of drowsiness/restlessness, emotional explosions/implosions, feelings of drama/boredom and more.
prognosis looks poor – and we’re attempting the impossible right now: whole brain radiation. if that fails, we’ll be looking at home hospice care so that papa can leave the world with as much grace and dignity as possible. i’m really really really hoping for the best and also expecting the absolute worst.
kelvin returned to singapore as soon as he heard the news, and we’re sticking together as a family as well as we can. i can’t image how else we’ll be able to handle this if we weren’t all in it together.
friends and extended family have been really stepping up to help us in our time of need – special thanks to Lisa and William for coming by every night to fill our tummies with food. my gratitude also extends to my bosses and colleagues at muvee, who have been so unbelievably supportive of my current situation – allowing me to work half-days and permission to take off in emergencies.
for those we wish to visit my dad or send your well wishes – we’re at Mt. Elizabeth Hospital, ward 5905. i’m there everyday from 3pm onwards.
“Are you hoping for a miracle” – Bloc Party, Helicopter
“I believe in miracles. Where you from. You sexy thing.” Hot Chocolate, You Sexy Thing
The word ‘miracle’, keeps popping up all over the place this past week. Probably because its the one thing that I’m counting on for Papa.
We had a number of minor scares the past two weeks. Papa was admitted to the hospital twice, rushed to Micheal Wong’s clinic once, and rushed to A&E just this afternoon. All this action because of unitary tract problems… Brrr… Somewhat minor when you compare to this other large scary monster known as metastatic Prostate Cancer.
Watching Papa fight this painful disease has to be one of the largest life lessons I’ve ever witness. I don’t think that I’ve ever learnt more about Hope, Love, Spirit, Body and Life, than in this past year. Some changes that I’ve made personally:
1. Coming home for dinner as much as possible. 2 . Signing up with a gym near my office. Allows for lunch-break workouts. 3. Taking part in Triathlons regularly. Very fun! Cheering for others and pushing your limits! 4. Avoiding alcohol (except on very special occasions) 5. Ashtanga Yoga trice a week. 6. No cigarettes. Period. 7. No meat. Enough of animals dying for my dinner plate. 8. Less dairy. Am hooked on Soy milk now. 9. Less sugar (damn hard! I’m such a sugar addict!) 10. Less vulgarities (am doing really well with this one surprisingly)
We’ve just spoken to Papa about alternative cancer treatments – seeing that we’ve reached a point of diminishing returns with conventional medical treatments. If all goes well, we will be making a trip up to Malaysia very soon. To try Ozone IV treatment, which might help kill the free radicals rampaging papa’s immune system. I’m quite excited about this idea – it is the first time that Papa has decided to play leftwing.
On a sad note. Deena has just lost her mother to Colon Cancer. She put on the bravest fight and her passing came as a shock for me. I spent a few hours at her wake last night, it was a nice simple affair, surrounded by her family and flowers. It was good catching up with Deena and Min. We discussed ‘death’ at length. My take is this: ‘The fear of death is more overwhelming than death itself.’
its a little before bedtime. and i’ve just spent most of my night hanging out with my parents in papa’s day room.
its a simple little room on the ground floor, sandwiched between the toilet and the kitchen. the room is air-conditioned and has lots of natural light during the day. there’s a single daybed for papa to rest, bookshelves for mom’s massive collection of books, a computer with hi-speed internet, and a webcam so that we can communicate with kelvin who’s stuck in NYC. the strangest thing in this room is a safe in the corner. apparently, having that bulky hunk of metal helps with good fengshui in the house. 
we’re heading to the west clinic tomorrow to meet dr. tucker. my gut feel is that this new therapy isn’t great. i wonder if we’ll continue with it. watching papa suffer its side effects for another 3 weeks just doesn’t sound like at all enticing. right now, papa has lost all his hair, he’s feeling really weak, and his increasing sense of morbidity is worrying. the only good thing is that his bone pain is a little more under control. and he had a little burst of energy just now when i was showing him photos of my holland holiday from a few months ago.
here’s a holiday the whole family had in 2004 when I graduated from VCA. they all trooped over to melbourne to watch me go on stage to collect my degree (a most expensive piece of paper! ever!) and we spent a nice week wandering around Melbourne and exploring the Alfred Nicholas Gardens in the Dandenong Ranges.
those we know me, know that i don’t do churches. i don’t do prayers and chanting, in general, i strongly do not believe in organized religion. spending 12 years in a convent was enough to turn me from that path. personally i believe in spirituality, higher powers, and enlightenment. so it was an eye opener for me to spend my weekend chasing after jesus.
Friday Night: Bebe and I headed for Original Sin in Holland Village for dinner before we headed for the Tanglin Fellowship. (The vegetarian food there is pretty decent – a little heavy on the sodium content). We headed off to 69A Commonwealth Crescent, only to find out that there was no such address. DUH. As it turns out, the leader of the cell-group gave me the wrong address. Bummer. So that was the end of the Jesus trail for the night.
Saturday Night: Nat (the only other Christian friend I know) and I headed for the wild wild north of Singapore in search of a Miracle Service at Lighthouse Evangelism. The church turned out to be a massive multi story complex with a stage large enough for a full band, choral singers, brass players, dancers, full vision mixer unit, multi-camera setup complete with a live video feed to their other church in Tampines.
sometimes it feels like we’re swimming in a washing machine. its just one washing cycle after another. ohyeah… it has been a pretty tough week internally and externally.
i’ve been hit with a really nasty flu bug. the physical side effects of it are manageable, but it feeds off the inside too. all the antibiotics make it hard to focus the internal. ahh… now i know why some health freaks choose to stay away from medicines. i find it hard to focus on the positive things and to stay aware of what i’m doing. i also find it harder to keep mental noise and cloudy thoughts out of my mind. 
today has been a day of departures. a close colleague, emily, has chosen to leave Singapore to start her brand new life with her fiance in London. its gonna be one helluva a brand new ride. but i’m so happy for her. she’ll get to be with her friends, family and loved ones again. you can’t beat that.
there was also a garbled attempt from a young soul to abandon ship today. it all went horribly wrong and everybody got hurt. anger and poisonous thoughts from all parties. i sat in the middle thinking to myself… where did all the good go? i’m disappointed with how things have turned out. i wish that i could’ve helped the situation… but then again… who am i to choose where the life buoy decides to float. i swear i did everything that i could to help the young soul.
papa has been pretty much stuck in bed this week. which really sucks. i desperately hope for him to get better soon. he remains my real hero for fighting it out thus far. we’re already at the 15th month mark now, so THAT remains a miracle in itself. statistics would have had him peg for alot less than that. *crossing fingers for luck*
Papa’s cancer marker is up pretty high right now. It has suddenly shot up to 147 points over the past week, and he’s had to stay in bed for awhile now. He has also lost quite a bit of weight, suffers bad stomach bloatedness, physical fatigue and bone pain. Thats alot to handle even for a man as strong as he is.
We met with Dr. Tucker on Monday to discuss alternative chemo treatments. The discussion went well, and now… we’re really hoping that this new course of treatment will work wonders for Papa. *fingers crossed*
Now is the chance to pull favors from Life to give him another chance to survive. Now is the chance for us to keep our heads high and our hands steady. It will turn.
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